A letter to the Chairman of the TFFC:

Dear Chairman, I really loved the TFN No 3. – yet again another great publication. Some questions though. The article entitled "Jonathan Davidoff reaches his 350" – are you talking about Jon reaching 350 POUNDS? Afterall, the story is that when he's playing in the back four his belly is moving around in midfield! And why do you pay so much attention to the goalscoring feats of Steve Feiger? He simply bores everyone into lethargy with his constant droning banter. Defenders only let him past in order to put as much distance between themselves and Mr Mouth's mouth! Goalkeepers let him score because they use their gloves to cover their ears! Referees never give him offside because listening to the subsequent deafening outburst would bring on instant suicidal urges! But quickly on to my main point. Why do you ALWAYS slag off the Second Team? Always moaning on about how weak the First Team are when the Seconds give them a good hiding. I mean, three games won BY MORE THAN ONE GOAL? Let me make a suggestion, Mr Chairman. The Seconds have won by TRUE GRIT. John Wayne effort and all that. The Seconds fight battles and tend to win them – or at least go down fighting. I think, Chairman Mao (as I always used to refer to you in days gone by), it should be noted that since the Seconds reformed in 1997 they have won many games through sheer excellence and many that have been lost have been very good performances. It's a long list of successes too: in 1997/98 beating the Firsts 4-0, and then 7-6 (after trailing 4-0, I must add), holding Div.One team Bushey Firsts 2-2 in a cup tie, losing to the strong Golders Green team by only 2--3 (and that a last minute winner), holding Camden Park to 1-1 after 75 minutes this season, and – not forgetting – THREE wins against the Firsts this season, scoring no less than 10 goals – the list goes on…! Not only do the Seconds show true commitment and great camaraderie in taking the First XI consistently to the cleaners, but they show tactical excellence as well. Afterall, they beat the Firsts playing a complex 3-5-2 formation – do you call that negative play or just bloody clever? Rewrite your reports, my boy – because we need to rewrite history! For the first time the Seconds are consistently BETTER than the First Team. In fact, I guess you should rewrite all the results and fixtures because it's about bloody time that the two teams swapped divisions! Well done, all yer lads in the Seconds! You're not living up to your name of being second best though – the Chairman doesn't seem to like that! BUT I'm not an old sod who wants to make weak excuses about who's there and who's not there, that seems to be the Chairman's job – you Seconds are just a bloody GOOD TEAM! Yours faithfully, King Alfred (written 3 seasons ago) PS – I saw your articles on refs in "FortuneTeller". You tell Martin Lavender to GET STUFFED. The reason why people complain to the refs is that they're all SUCH CRAP. I have never seen such bad refereeing in the lower divisions since I started playing in the 1920's. At least in those days they didn't have panzy rules for panzy players, with panzy refs making panzy decisions. Half of them shouldn't have got their badges! Why don't the Maccabi Refs all just resign and take up GARDENING instead? Mind you, they wouldn't get paid as well as walking about on a football pitch on Sunday mornings looking up at the sky, ignoring all the Kung Fu kicks, the head butts, the two-footed tackles and all the verbal. Thry just look to the sky just because they're too bloody afraid to make decisions! Maybe they should all bring their Mums along so that Ma can blow their whistles for them! AHHH for the good old days!

This space is reserved for the Chairman's response:

Come on, Mr Chairman – don't be shy!

HOME